Real People, Real Stories, Real Hope

Personal Interview w/ “Great Day” (male)

1. How old are you? 44
2. How old were you when you began to self-injure? 14
3. How did you learn about this practice? I remember trying to burn a tattoo off of me and I remembered that it didn’t hurt…it felt good…definitely enjoyable…I just did it and I liked it. I’m 44 and I still like it. I just don’t do it…because…well…I don’t know
4. What was your method? Burning…putting out mainly cigars on myself, joints…anything smokable
5. Can you describe for me your feeling before-during and after the experience? I felt extremely depressed before…pleasure while doing it….relief, I felt better, much calmer afterwards
6. Have you ever been hospitalized as a result of injuring yourself? No
7. Did you do it alone or with company? Usually alone but I’d do it to freak people out, too
8. Do any of your family members know? Uhhh…..yeah…my mother knows---she questioned all the scars every where
9. How is your comfort level right now discussing the subject of self-injury? Fine
10. Do you know of others who self-harm? My girl friend is a cutter – but I don’t know any other burners
11. Can you tell me some of the stereotypes for this group? I pretty much kept it a secret but for the most part – crazy!
12. Is this a shameful subject for you? It used to be.
13. How did you deal with the shame? I use to tell people it (the scars) was a staph infection – but finally I fessed up because I got tired of lying, plus I began to meet other cutters and I wasn’t ashamed anymore. I would also cover them (the scars) up. The majority of them are on my legs
14. Would you mind filling in the blanks for me? Sure
If I could name my shame, its name would be: Revenge (at my mother)
If I could color my shame, its color would be: Black
If I could smell my shame, it would smell like: Burning Flesh
If I could taste my shame, it would taste like: Puss
15. Data suggests that self-injurious behavior is closely correlated with sexual abuse and or mental disorders. Were you sexually abused? NO. But came close to having it happen.
Have you a mental health diagnosis? Yes. Major Depression
16. There is also supporting data that self-injurious behavior is similar to addiction? Do you agree? Yes
17. Did this practice interfere with your life such as work, school, and relationships? No. If so, how?
18. When did you last harm yourself? 6 months ago, before that - 3 years
19. What are your coping methods now? Self talk…self talk. I say: ‘It’s gonna be a great day’ over and over. If it gets overwhelming I’ll go and get a tattoo. Burning is too messy at my age. I was on paxal for 5 years and took myself off and started to burn again.
20. Do you still have thoughts of injuring yourself? Daily. Not because of depression or anything but because I like it.

His six word memoir was actually nine words:
“I burn myself to make sure I still feel” (9” Nails)

A blog posting by "Lisa" on SIB.
"Why is it that “S.I.“ have to be stereotyped? They stereotype us a being psycho, insane, crazy, just in need of attention, and even not normal.I hate the one that says we’re just in need of attention because I’m like if I wanted attention there’s a whole lot of other things I could have did besides S.I..

And then how could you say I’m “not normal” just because the only outlet is S.I..The truth is we’re as normal as can be we just weren’t taught a way to deal with our stress and problems so this is our way. I think that all that bs about “us” being crazii nd s*** is just a way for people to try to put a title on us because they don’t know what else to say.

I do have a serious problem and I try my best not to si but it’s NOT that easy. I can’t just be like oh, "Lisa" stop harming yourself cause that’s bad and expect me to be able to just stop. I am as normal as anyone else, si is like a disorder. I was never taught how to control my emotions, like what to do when I feel sad, or need somebody to talk to therefore I’ve resorted to my own methods.

I have true feelings and many of us have experienced sonething that no one would understand unless they went through it.And sometimes people think if they went through EVERYTHING I ever went through that I had experieced in my life then they would understand me. I come to say that that’s complete bs. Express your feelings……………………………"

17 year old Female
"When I was around the age of 5, I used to try and make myself sick and purposely not eat because I had done something wrong and therefore was not perfect. I always had to be perfect and when I screwed something up, I had to pay for it. When I was 10, I sunk into a depression.

My father was verbally abusive and didn't help my self-image at all. I absolutely hated myself and was constantly wishing something bad would happen to kill the monster that I was. I wasn't suicidal when I first cut. I was 11 and my father had just got finished telling me how stupid and worthless I was.

I took a knife and went into my room and made several barely there cuts on my leg. Afterwards, I was calm. A year later, I told my best friend I did that and she thought i was the biggest freak. In 8th grade, I was at a really low time and was constantly looking for a way out. Everything turned into a reason I should kill myself. Freshman year wasn't any better and I started cutting on a regular basis.

I felt I was ugly and horrible and didn't deserve to live. I had made several suicide plans but never got to the point of carrying them out. I felt it was better to cut because I was only hurting myself and not others. I could never do that. Also, when I cut, I didn't dwell on the problem. It helped me get over it. It also gave me a sense of power. I could take all this pain.

After awhile, I had a fascination with the blood. I had never heard of this behavior, so I thought I was insane. I mean, what kind of person would do this to themselves? This wasn't normal. So I would have lots of shame and wear long sleeves to cover up the cuts.

I met Michele at the end of freshman year. I noticed the cuts on her arms and we ended up becoming good friends. We understood each other. The beginning of sophomore year, the cutting slowed down and I only had a couple incidents towards the end of sophomore year.

The beginning of junior year, I had a strange fascination with the pain (although I hardly felt it) and was feeling extreme self-loathing and the cutting increased greatly. Within 2 weeks, I had about 100 new cuts on my left leg. About two weeks ago, somebody turned me into the counseling office at the school.

My parents were called and were quite angry about the whole situation. My father threatened to put me in a mental institution. My mother was just so hurt and I feel horrible for having hurt her like that. I never wanted to hurt anyone and that is why I cut myself; to avoid hurting others."

28 year old Male
"SI makes me feel real. Its like "i have the scars and can prove that i really do feel like this, i'm not pretending or attention seeking, it's for real." The scars make me feel pround, like i have a secret that no one can take away. i can do this to myself and not one can stop me. i like to see my blood, (this seems disgusting and masochistic even to me), but i can't explain why i like it. SI is bittersweet..."

19 year old Female
"--My family makes me feel like I deserve it. --I receive so much emotional pain I can't deal with it; physical pain is so much each to deal with, I cut enough so that the physical overpowers the emotional. --Physical pain gives me a sense of control. when you're hurting inside, you feel lost, confused, etc. when you're cutting, you can say, ok, my arm hurts right here, I know that if I put a bandage on it, it will be better and the pain will stop.

--I hate hypocritical people who say we SI for attention. I can't speak for everyone, but I definitely do not want attention!!! I got reported and my SI was investigated by my mom, doctor, counselor etc. That is NOT the kind of attention I would ever want, and I would never be so desperate for it that I would even want negative attention like that. **I do to my body what's been done to my soul**"

For more real stories:
In Their Own Words
S.A.F.E. Blog